It is quieter now. (Nearly) All my friends are gone, I feel emotionally distanced from some people who I never expected to be. Because I don't understand what he has become or why or how he got to where he is now. The friend i had is different, i still love him but i don't know how to relate anymore. I disagree more, I shake my head, I worry. It's probably unfair of me and I don't want to judge the decisions he makes for his life as he discovers himself and what he believes, but...all the common ground we had is falling away.

It is quieter now. I am calmer. It is snowing almost constantly - muffling the world, covering our tracks, and cushioning our falls.

Valve

Why do I feel like crying?

The familiar pressure building within me - spreading from my toes and fingers - marching and gathering a crushing wave that charges to my core...my heart...I feel like exploding.

Where is the trigger? Stupid frat boys, exhaustion, conviction, confusion, stress. I can barely gather my thoughts to form a cohesive picture of my situation but I am so full of --- emotion and feeling. To the brim. I don't know how I could take any more. The urge to be alone - to find a way to deal with...with this. But even more I crave human contact with some kindred spirit. Breathing. In. Out. Trying to exhale the extra and reach a point of neutrality.

I feel like a failure. A quitter and an irresponsible. A disappointment. I know they won't say it. They wouldn't even think it - but somehow that doesn't help. I am in a shadow of my own making. Floundering in a sea poured from my own vessel. And the exit - a little painful, but temporary.

My compass is still consistent, still pointing true. Reaching into my pack, I rub my thumb over the lock and buff its glass face on the tail of my shirt. The moon is bright and I tilt the tool to the light. Deep breaths of frigid night air - it takes courage to choose to be strong. It is not the easy thing to retrace steps and re-evaluate my being.

Show me. My excuses fall flat and I am aware of their uselessness. Bring me...point me...to friends who will strengthen me. You know how very weak I am and how very much I need you. And I know too. Ah.

Crying would be a welcome relief - but I am not sure I remember how.

F.W.1

I think therefore I am. Rubbish. I feel ... i taste ... i smell ... i feel. The numbness of my hands spreads through my wrists and threatens the bones beneath. This is upsetting because when I feel the cold in my bones, I won't be warm for hours. No amount of furnaces, fires or blankets can cure me. Only time.

When or where or with whom will we finally wash ourselves free of the wilderness through which we wander?

Whose violin will call to us ... guide us ... lead us through the fog? The elements conspire both for our triumphant joy and ultimate undoing.

Rumbling roar, creaking door, flashing light, wailing scream. Up tempo, quickly jump, turn left, turn right, off we go. Round the bend, hold the turn, hit the horn, is this the end?

s l o

The smears upon the windshield are made of snow and road-grime and too much salt and sand. Its gritty texture will not easily wipe away, and the glare from their headlights casts strange shadows on the scene.

It came to my attention that a lot of the things I want/need to do are not being accomplished. Writing them down might help. And not electronically. My old friends, ink and paper are better suited. And they are going to go in a public place. In many public places. Where people can see them and make whitty, smartass comments about how little progress I am making.

I haven't really been here before - or I have, but I never had the desire to press any further. I've reached the tattered edges of the map that is my limited experience, but I still bring the yellowed chart close to my face and search it for wisdom in the dimming light. My eyes strain for some last clue - another centimeter of reassurance that the upcoming turn is the right one and I am still on course.

My compass is still good, I have the Standard - I know against what to measure my direction. Maybe that is all I need - it must be, and the sounding boards that are my trusted confidants.

Muse

Bentleys and bmw's, volkswagons and minivans, hippies and hemp, old folks and their dogs - the people are much louder then the dogs who don't bark when they outnumber us. Marymoor park in the fall, the sky a classic northwest gray, the wind slow but still biting. Traffic annoying until I think of all the lives it represents. An eclectic melding of people, a clash of culture and humanity. I like that the traffic jam is lined with trees so it feels like three thousand and seven people are on a nature walk and taking a collective breath before we gather up our kinetic energy and continue on the trail. Skyscrapers rising from mountain ranges, industry through the mist, blessed water just on the other side of a famous market. Orange coveralls shout and laugh and flying fish delight tourists and children and I am delighted, but I am not a tourist. A Porsche at a highschool game, a homeless woman tells me what she will have for lunch and this new, little condo cost more then that familiar house. Sweaters and cartigans, trenchcoats and fedoras, umbrellas and golashes. Perfectly unshaven with an italian name finds his way, goose down vest paddles a kayak to certain peace.

Waking up to windstorms and soaked earth, loving the feeling of a fireplace on my toes. Savoring the smell of gingerbread and soup and the sounds of piano. Wishing for someone to climb a tree with.

...Wait for it...

Hold the phone -

There may be a grand re-opening soon...

O, and in case she stops by, "sand-filled-shoes" should drop me her email address or enable comments so I can say how beautiful her writing is and how her photos make me pause.

So applecare works. Actually I could have stolen this laptop and walked in and had it fixed because they didn't ask for any proof of ownership or warranty anythings. Makes me wonder why I paid the extra $100 for the protection. A burned-out looking, soft speaking, goatee-wielding fellow took my computer from me, typed for a bit, printed out a receipt for nothing and then handed me a new battery. That'll do. While I was waiting I had the chance to take in the walls of products around me and I have to admit - if apple doesn't have the best product, they definitely do a good job of convincing you otherwise. Marketing: A+.

As I work tirelessly at realizing my dream of being a Seattle firefighter, the dreams of others begin to take on new meaning and I begin to worry that they will not be fulfilled. Singing the national anthem at Safeco Field, for example. Not my dream but if a certain someone never realizes that goal I may be more disappointed then them. Want to be on tv? Run Disney? Be a top financial guru guy? The list goes on and I am deciding that I will probably have to start meddling and throwing my not-so-influential weight around to try to help. Dreams are important.

O, I have seen the water now. I spent all day downtown and drove over the 520 and I90 bridges so got lots of quality water time.

Um, Viva la Seattle!

If you know something about me you probably know that one of the things I have to do when I go home is see the water in Seattle. It's one of the great con's of living in Spokane that there is a fairly distinct absence an area that holds billions of gallons of saltwater resulting in a lack of ocean-ness. And ocean-ness I need. I haven't even had the chance to see that precious water yet and already I feel its effects - calmness, fragrance in the air, a boost in creativity, and an inspiration to take on new challenges. Like the lamp next to my bed that doesn't work. I'm going to fix it. Right now.

And I'm a genius. Granted, having the correct type of lightbulb, and ultimately any lightbulb at all is that was needed but someone had to take a look under that lampshade.

I drive the speed limit now. It's crazy, I never thought I would be one of those people, but when I get on the freeway I actually set the cruise control to 2 over the posted limit, find a cozy spot in the right lane and watch the rest of humanity fly by me. It sounds infantile but you actually get to see so much more of the world and people - driving becomes so much more relaxing when I'm not having to focus because I'm going 20 faster then everyone else. Plus I'm not worried about police and I'm saving a buttload of gas. Win win win win type of situation.

I went back to my old highschool today - a place where evidently progress has yet to pay a visit. The football field has the same holes (or sandtraps) it always has, the track is still a reddish clay, the hallways are cement and there's a huge picture of me hanging in the foyer even tho nobody who goes there would know who i am anymore. One of the more surreal moments was walking down the main hallway and looking at the pictures of graduating classes. I came to mine and laughed when I realized there were three more after it. Maybe no progress, but time is another story...

Going to test applecare tomorrow. It would be nice if they gave me a new macbook....

The snow has finally stopped and warmer days are upon us. Days that persuade me to wear shorts and play "personal-worst" rounds of golf.

EMT is finally over -I still don't know if I passed the state exams, but the odds are in my favor. I am free of the late night classes and endless 500 question take-home tests. Free of the stress of practical exams and frantic studying. I look back with relief, but part of me misses the continuous action and labor of reaching for my goals and improving myself. This should be just a temporary break as next quarter looms large with classes whose names have very high numbers attached to them, and I will be trying to get hired with the local ambulance company to hone my medical and trauma skills.

I am going to be trying a lot of new things this summer. Learning to wake-board, rock climb, fly fish and skydive are at the top of the list along with some camping and white-water rafting. I'll be taking suggestions if anyone has any worthy adventures to add to the list.

I was at the airport today and while driving endlessly 'round the terminal loop waiting for someone, I saw four people get pulled over by the Spokane Airport Police. Is it not enough that they aren't allowed to park and wait for people? Not enough that their patience is worn thin, their day cut short? The joy of reuniting with friends or family must be tarnished by a citation for driving 5 mph over the limit or on the wrong side of the road (hey, it was a confusing sign). Plus, I feel a small amount of pity for the police who must spend their careers patrolling a few meager parking lots, three tiny terminals, and a couple stretches of road. Cruel and Unusual.

The snow WON'T STOP

enough already.

Trying for a record

The thing is, this place doesn't die. It's not paper so it doesn't end up mixed up in the pile of scrap in my lockers, accidentally thrown away, yellow with age or blotted by ink and water. It used to be what I liked the most about it - it was my personal periodical that I published and everyone who was a real friend had to read it and maybe comment and make me feel better about myself and my supposed talents. Now it's longevity whispers to me that I'm not writing enough and that it is just sitting here useless and voiceless and I ahd better get back to writing...so it's a love - hate thing.

No stories, pictures, or fables today. Just an update in case i don't know who you are and you are worried. I am busy this quarter - 29 credits plus work. School is a mixture of history of wars and cultures and a meteorology class disguised as geography 100. I am halfway through gaining my EMT-B certification which has been the last big foundational training for me. I took the written exam for the Seattle Fire Department in January and received my response letter today telling me that I passed and will have my first oral panel interview in March. The odds are still stacked immeasurably against me but it is a glimmer of hope.

My latest wild ambition is to go to Europe in the summer of '08. Difficult to pull off as I am deep in debt at the moment, but we'll see if I can make it. Did you know the difference between a transatlantic round-trip flight in coach and first class is about $12,000. First class had better be a life-altering experience at those prices.