Soy

Right now-get up-go watch Phantom of the Opera-now-go. This movie-I love it a lot. A whole lot. Alrighty then.

Today I rode an elevator with a man bigger then me. No joke, I know it's very hard to imagine, but there are bigger people then me in this world. Crazy thought, eh? At least a foot taller-and not thin. Maybe you're not getting this. I had to look UP to see his face. I haven't done that since...since...I don't even remember. Holy crap.

Look past the offense and love the offender...

Next stop: Broadway
Show: Phantom of the Opera

Flurry

I don't know how to feel
I wish I cried more maybe that would take the pressure off
I want to blame someone
No you don't
I'm not angry-just sad
It's been a long time to pretend hasn't it?
I want to forgive you
I want you to be able to stand and be able to depend on me
I thought many things-but not this
Do you know what this means to me?
This love, this bond between friends is the only thing I point to on this earth
I don't have many
Have I laid so much so carefully
To have it freefall where I don't know?
I need to be reassured
I forgive you
But that means so much
My chest is a little tight
Am I overreacting?
Am I thinking too much?
I don't know
It was awhile ago
Then why does it cut so deep?
It was a long time
Sleep would help some
Sleep doesn't solve anything
Why is it hard to let go of it?
Am I supposed to?
I'm not sure
I think so
You can't really forgive unless you let go
True
Forgiveness-that's a whole nother ball game
Dances on broken glass-didn't you just write about that?
Yes
Take your own advice then-don't forget to love
It's hard isn't it?
Yes-i don't think anyone calls it easy
Okay
Talk to Jesus for awhile-He wants to listen
You're right
Goodnight.

Thursday

I can't sleep-well I haven't really tried, but I don't think I could if I did. But, pretty sure I'm lieing because my eyes are blurring this very second but I need to say something, anything after an interesting today.

First of all, i would like to say that my morning started crummy when my creative writing class ruined my story. That may be a little egotistic considering that "my story" was half a page long and was really just a beginning. But it was a good beginning with so much potential, trust me on this. It was a "pass the story" exercise, you know the kind-where you write for five minutes then pass the paper to the next person and write for five minutes continuing someone else's story and so on and so forth for an hour. I was excited to see how mine had turned out after passing through so many hands-I gave them interesting ingredients! There was a psycho girl who's only concern was drugging herself enough to get through the day, a self-interested guy who thought himself much smarter then he really was and a life in turmoil. Perhaps not the best bit i've ever written but it was something. So after digging in the pile of papers for mine I found myself muttering, "no...no...no" as I read what had turned into a simply irritating "I love you, you love me, maybe we can work things out" horrible awful chick flick. And i like chick flicks! Heck, when I started they weren't even friends! Argh!!

Among other things I lost three raquetball games and to top off my dynamite day I discovered that one of my fish has died. Which makes two in the last week. I need to take a walk.

Hotel

My room is dark and as I stare across the twenty yards separating my dorm from Morrison Hall, the thought occurs to me that it looks very much like a hotel. Lights are on in Morrison's windows at random intervals, but most of the curtains are closed. Why is that? I'm in front of my window all the time and would very much like to strike up a sitcom-esque friendship with a mysterious somebody in a dimly lit window. Sigh, they never come out though. The lights are on but they're hiding.

Today was beautiful-a thick fog and light mist that made everything magical. For anyone who doesn't know and would like to, I am making a run at trying out for the football team. Wish me luck. I'm training now and plan to be gradually turning up my preparation to near full-time. Which will make things interesting when I get a job. :) Goodbye, social life.

Galen, I miss you horribly and will be selfish in wishing a speedy return from warm beaches, trade winds, and tans.

Throw Me

It doesn't really rhyme, not much rhythm...but my heart cries it-maybe it makes sense to somebody...


throw me from this circle
this sphere of games and tears
the players do not know the rules
and the winner's prize is fear

keep me from this power
that consumes what I have to give
break my fall from this lonely tower
teach me to forgive

cast me gently into morning
for the night has been unkind
wrap your arms around me
and hold me through the night.

greet the sun with fog and tears
run along the cobbled path
feel the breeze upon our skin
laugh while we last

let the warmth touch our souls
forget the work we had
run upon some undiscovered beach
swim out in the shoals

don't forget to love, my darling
dance with orchids in your hair
smell the rain upon the breeze
but never forget to love

walk along the sky's farthest reach
dip your finger in the sea
let your laughter shake the heart of mountains
watch our tears slowly freeze

only don't forget to love, my darling
when that cello graces our ears
our feet will move to its song
only don't forget to love

our feet are scarred from dances on broken glass
we are bruised from violent hands
words have shattered these fragile hearts
eyes searching for just one who understands

throw us from this circle that refuses what we know
replace these broken hearts with ones that dare to love
give courage to speak and a gentleness to whisper
hold us for a little while and quench our fear with peace

see the sun rising above the waves
rest under a quiet palm
watch the sun sink in its quiet way
only don't forget to love.

Snow. Lots of it. The white stuff started coming down at four in the afternoon and has been steady ever since. At least 3.5-4 inches already. So happy.

Frustrated because i'm drawing a complete blank for my first creative writing 'assignment.' Write a short story. That's it. I should be able to do that, but i'm fumbling around with lame topics, empty plots and boring characters. Nothing is working. I feel sort of like I've been driving for years, someone challenged me to retake my driver's test and I've forgotten how to parallel park...will they take away my license? am i destined to never drive again? was i never good at driving in the first place?

In other news, Frank's water needs changing, i'm drinking more water then galen, and I had an excellent workout today.

hooray for poetry

This isn't funny. And yet it sort of kind of is. Stop playing games, embrace who you are and be it. Don't do it. Be it.

Family, friends, gathered strangers-it is officially cold. A high today of 28, 25 tomorrow and white stuff to fall soon. It needs to snow. The stuff on the ground is obviously old and has taken on a dirty, half-genuine quality that needs cleaning. I wrote my first "2005" on a school paper today, my way of officially ringing in the new year. Not one for resolutions, but everyone has times in their life when they sit down and realize they don't like what they are doing, or who they've become and decide to take a deep breath and plunge into an effort to change. More often then not, efforts turn into failure and discouragement replaces motivation. Slumping back into what they hate, everone waits for the next first of January when they will try again. Amazing isn't it? Our weakness is right there in front of us. Smacking our foreheads every February that what we do for ourselves, or what we do for other people-coming from us-is a mess. Give it up. GIVE IT UP!!! If only I could hear myself. If only I could truly believe myself. So don't believe me. Believe, listen to Him.

Beginning of the quarter looks promising. American government is taught be a cell-phone hating prof who hates late people and wears turtlenecks. Creative Writing is brilliant. Teacher dresses shabbily, smokes cigarettes, laughs a lot and uses words like "swimmingly." He hates school and hates spending money-I think i've found a genius. As for Math....o math...This is how first day went. I walked in and took my seat in the small auditorium expecting a class like my other first days had been: introduction, reading of names, correction of pronunciation on names, tedious reading of syllabus, questions on syllabus, listening to the same questions on syllabus over and over again, class dismissed. But no such luck here. A simple, "the syllabus speaks for itself" was offered before she took a deeeeep breath and began speaking in chipmunk-style speed, hands flying over the chalkboard, "real numbers integers rational numbers irrational numbers complex numbers infinity number line i can't believe they're making you learn this already homework whole numbers..." I took notes furiously, my head swimming and muttering to myself thatthis was why I hated math. I just keep thinking of my bright spot...creative writing which I enjoy 'swimmingly.'

In other news, the dorm floor is in upheaval. The two main groups have split into one core group with a million orbiting people that the core pretends to like but wishes would go away. It is ridiculous and bordering on cruel. I will allow that there are annoyances and real problems that need dealt with, but isn't the solution to deal with them? Endlessly complaining about it really only blows everything even more out of proportion and just cultivates the bad feelings already rampant.

I've managed to make it this far without partaking in food from the PUB. I fear that I'll have to give in tomorrow, but congratulate me on three days cafeteria-free. Colin beat me three games in raquetball today. The new glove isn't magically making me better. Drat.

Does anyone feel like crying? Sometimes i do....