It is quieter now. (Nearly) All my friends are gone, I feel emotionally distanced from some people who I never expected to be. Because I don't understand what he has become or why or how he got to where he is now. The friend i had is different, i still love him but i don't know how to relate anymore. I disagree more, I shake my head, I worry. It's probably unfair of me and I don't want to judge the decisions he makes for his life as he discovers himself and what he believes, but...all the common ground we had is falling away.
It is quieter now. I am calmer. It is snowing almost constantly - muffling the world, covering our tracks, and cushioning our falls.
12.14.2007
12.01.2007
Valve
Why do I feel like crying?
The familiar pressure building within me - spreading from my toes and fingers - marching and gathering a crushing wave that charges to my core...my heart...I feel like exploding.
Where is the trigger? Stupid frat boys, exhaustion, conviction, confusion, stress. I can barely gather my thoughts to form a cohesive picture of my situation but I am so full of --- emotion and feeling. To the brim. I don't know how I could take any more. The urge to be alone - to find a way to deal with...with this. But even more I crave human contact with some kindred spirit. Breathing. In. Out. Trying to exhale the extra and reach a point of neutrality.
I feel like a failure. A quitter and an irresponsible. A disappointment. I know they won't say it. They wouldn't even think it - but somehow that doesn't help. I am in a shadow of my own making. Floundering in a sea poured from my own vessel. And the exit - a little painful, but temporary.
My compass is still consistent, still pointing true. Reaching into my pack, I rub my thumb over the lock and buff its glass face on the tail of my shirt. The moon is bright and I tilt the tool to the light. Deep breaths of frigid night air - it takes courage to choose to be strong. It is not the easy thing to retrace steps and re-evaluate my being.
Show me. My excuses fall flat and I am aware of their uselessness. Bring me...point me...to friends who will strengthen me. You know how very weak I am and how very much I need you. And I know too. Ah.
Crying would be a welcome relief - but I am not sure I remember how.
The familiar pressure building within me - spreading from my toes and fingers - marching and gathering a crushing wave that charges to my core...my heart...I feel like exploding.
Where is the trigger? Stupid frat boys, exhaustion, conviction, confusion, stress. I can barely gather my thoughts to form a cohesive picture of my situation but I am so full of --- emotion and feeling. To the brim. I don't know how I could take any more. The urge to be alone - to find a way to deal with...with this. But even more I crave human contact with some kindred spirit. Breathing. In. Out. Trying to exhale the extra and reach a point of neutrality.
I feel like a failure. A quitter and an irresponsible. A disappointment. I know they won't say it. They wouldn't even think it - but somehow that doesn't help. I am in a shadow of my own making. Floundering in a sea poured from my own vessel. And the exit - a little painful, but temporary.
My compass is still consistent, still pointing true. Reaching into my pack, I rub my thumb over the lock and buff its glass face on the tail of my shirt. The moon is bright and I tilt the tool to the light. Deep breaths of frigid night air - it takes courage to choose to be strong. It is not the easy thing to retrace steps and re-evaluate my being.
Show me. My excuses fall flat and I am aware of their uselessness. Bring me...point me...to friends who will strengthen me. You know how very weak I am and how very much I need you. And I know too. Ah.
Crying would be a welcome relief - but I am not sure I remember how.
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