There once was a girl who walked on her own. She walked in her way in her shoes in her life. She walked in the places where no one approved, not caring who saw, having nothing to lose. Her path winded here and there, daring to try what was forbidden and step into shadows. Everyone yelled from a distance that it wasn't allowed, that her destination was darkness and it would soon be too late.
As for me, I followed closely cautioning her to slow down and think twice-tripping over my own words as I yearned to see what she saw and make my own footprints in the mud. For so long I walked with one foot in her world and the other in my own. I walked just a little behind this mysterious girl-close enough to hear her secrets and know her fears, but far enough to avoid the danger. I told myself that I was wiser, that I did the right thing because it was right. Looking back, I know now it was only that I lacked courage to run around the next bend to find my own way.
One day something happened and the girl and I were separated. There had been many times n our past when we were angry with and couldn't stand each other, but I found...now...her absence was frightening. Even when unkind, she was a place of security for me. Suddenly, she was gone. She no longer hogged the bathroom and made us late by taking forever to get ready. Her stereo wasn't too loud because it wasn't there. The dishes she had always left out for me to wash no longer cluttered the counter, though I would have gladly washed a thousand dirty plates in return for one day how it used to be. There was no one to tell me I smelled good after I put on cologne. To stop me from walking out of the house when my clothes didn't match. No one to go on walks with me, buy me Dairy Queen, or explain the way girls think...
I missed her more then I could say and I was angry. Angry at my parents, angry at the girls friends, angry at her, and angry at myself. Who did they think they were? Were they thinking at all? It wasn't fair! After 15 years, we were just becoming good friends and...they took her away-I let them. I wanted her to make the right choices for me. To not make waves because I didn't want to lose sight of her. I didn't understand.
Away for a year and I came back. Now I know what I believe. Now I understand. We differ, this girl and I. We are on different paths-but it has only made my love for her more real. I pray for her, and wait patiently so thankful just that she is here.
That girl, dear sister, is you. For 19 years you have blessed me with the beauty, wisdom, and fun of an older sister. This holiday I want to show you that I have not forgotten.
Merry Christmas, Elizabeth.
12.24.2004
12.19.2004
What do I think...I think I wish that words came easier. I love to write, this-right now, this is a passion for me. Writing is like watching a piece of me take shape on paper, on a screen, or in the sand. I surprise myself, I learn about me, I want to share with everyone else. Still I get so frustrated when I look at a blank screen and have nothing to offer. Yet, I know that I have entire volumes of something stored up somewhere in me just waiting to be heard, read, and filed away. I want these pieces of me to be worth something. To move someone. To make a difference. Is that a cliche'? Is 19 too young to worry that his life's work will go unnoticed or without value? Is the question even relevant? I serve a God who is continually calling me to Himself, who empowers me for what He calls me to. Nothing I do while serving Him is inconsequential, nothing irrelevant, nothing without value. That's comforting-sort of. It is because I know the truth in it, it lacks in definition because my question originates in a world pressing for success, pressing for hope, looking in the wrong places for worth, self-worth.
The masses clamor and scream that they want their lives to matter, that they want to be happy, and they swear they won't be like their parents who worked for 65 years to die unhappy with social security check in hand. And so they throw themselves into a different 9-5 working harder to achieve more, and in doing so pass over all that has real value. Or do they? A new generation fingers Wal-Mart, McDonalds, and the government as the obstacles in the way of happiness. They scream the same phrases with different words, vowing to never sit behind a desk, and refuse to punch a timecard. They find new livings as bike messengers, thrill seekers, writers, soldiers, or surfing instructors. I have read some of their stories, they claim to have achieved the highest prize: living in happiness. Or have they? What happiness, what joy, what peace can compare with what He gives us? Peace that passes all understanding.
What is this contentment we claim apart from Jesus? A smile with a crooked edge of despair? Moving bodies to a heavy beat, flashing lights, but no life. Moving on, working through, talking and shouting without breath. "What is the purpose of life?"-we ask rhetorically with half of a smile-betraying the fear that if we know for sure our purpose, we will have no choice but to respond. That if we know we are loved on a real, intimate level by the God of the universe we will want to love Him back. Something in us screams that we don't want to give up our life and our plans. We won't serve Him, no sir. But we cannot shake this...awe...He loves me. He wants me to be His friend and child. And faced with such a monumental reality as God loving us personally with a very real purpose for each of us, we are left no choice but to choose. Not wanting to choose, we postpone it-which in itself declares a choice. Some will say yes, and respond to His love. And still we are faced with choices. Everyday, every new morning an opportunity to choose to allow Him to take the forefront. To leave behind our selfishness and every part of ourselves, choosing instead to let Him live through us.
I'm not really sure where all that (see above :) ) came from, it just sort of poured out. So I guess i did have something to write tonite. :) My computer has been down for the past few days, so most of the blogs I visit on a daily basis had been updated a few times. It was refreshing to read.
Goodnight, sweet world.
Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.
The masses clamor and scream that they want their lives to matter, that they want to be happy, and they swear they won't be like their parents who worked for 65 years to die unhappy with social security check in hand. And so they throw themselves into a different 9-5 working harder to achieve more, and in doing so pass over all that has real value. Or do they? A new generation fingers Wal-Mart, McDonalds, and the government as the obstacles in the way of happiness. They scream the same phrases with different words, vowing to never sit behind a desk, and refuse to punch a timecard. They find new livings as bike messengers, thrill seekers, writers, soldiers, or surfing instructors. I have read some of their stories, they claim to have achieved the highest prize: living in happiness. Or have they? What happiness, what joy, what peace can compare with what He gives us? Peace that passes all understanding.
What is this contentment we claim apart from Jesus? A smile with a crooked edge of despair? Moving bodies to a heavy beat, flashing lights, but no life. Moving on, working through, talking and shouting without breath. "What is the purpose of life?"-we ask rhetorically with half of a smile-betraying the fear that if we know for sure our purpose, we will have no choice but to respond. That if we know we are loved on a real, intimate level by the God of the universe we will want to love Him back. Something in us screams that we don't want to give up our life and our plans. We won't serve Him, no sir. But we cannot shake this...awe...He loves me. He wants me to be His friend and child. And faced with such a monumental reality as God loving us personally with a very real purpose for each of us, we are left no choice but to choose. Not wanting to choose, we postpone it-which in itself declares a choice. Some will say yes, and respond to His love. And still we are faced with choices. Everyday, every new morning an opportunity to choose to allow Him to take the forefront. To leave behind our selfishness and every part of ourselves, choosing instead to let Him live through us.
I'm not really sure where all that (see above :) ) came from, it just sort of poured out. So I guess i did have something to write tonite. :) My computer has been down for the past few days, so most of the blogs I visit on a daily basis had been updated a few times. It was refreshing to read.
Goodnight, sweet world.
Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.
12.14.2004
...and I really should be sleeping. I'm tired. I want to sleep, but it's still four minutes till midnight and I have been so lethargic this past week that it feels like a crime to go to bed when it is inevitable I won't wake up before 10. Somehow I find myself staring at my computer screen trying in desperation to grasp some of the blurry thoughts flashing through my mind. So far, I'm not very successful.
There's something oddly comforting about being poor. Sure it sucks, but now I can say with confidence that I absolutely CANNOT go to the Spongebob Squarepants movie because I have no money. I no longer must consider the money I lose and then fret about how little I have left-or how much. No, it's just a big, fat stroke of a red marker across my bottom line. I've always had that sort of idea with my car-if it gets stolen yes that sucks. But maybe he/she needed it a bit more then me. It happens...Think big...
Dating. Yes. Want to do it. I want to share my life with someone, to look into someone's eyes and know for sure, without a doubt that they are the one who completes and meets me at my human level. Someone who speaks and lives the truth, fearlessly serving her Savior. Pendulum swings from being grateful that I have not the distraction or "inconvenience" of a relationship, to panic that time slips by and I want to know now! O how I just want to know...So I play stupid games, talk through a dozen scenarios, and try to picture and myself with people. And on the worst of days resort to name matching...Hmm, my last name with her first? Kinda has a ring to it :) ...What happened to trust? Ridiculous life...
I am writing a story for/about my sister and it has forced me to consider myself in relation to her. Looking back is rarely easy and often painful and I see a dozen times I should have spoken, should have done something fix it all...and i wonder whether I did what was right, or if I did what was right because it was safer and I was too scared to do what was wrong. It's coming slowly-I feel that it's important, such things are never easy. A little at a time....
I miss Bernie (stuffed animal I've had since before I knew what my name was. He's holding down the fort in my dorm room over break).
I resolve to exercise myself into a state of exhaustion before noon tomorrow.
I love that I had steak today.
I just realized I don't have the faintest clue what I want.
What I want...
I want You...
...but too often replace you with what I don't have the faintest clue about.
Ridiculous life.
There's something oddly comforting about being poor. Sure it sucks, but now I can say with confidence that I absolutely CANNOT go to the Spongebob Squarepants movie because I have no money. I no longer must consider the money I lose and then fret about how little I have left-or how much. No, it's just a big, fat stroke of a red marker across my bottom line. I've always had that sort of idea with my car-if it gets stolen yes that sucks. But maybe he/she needed it a bit more then me. It happens...Think big...
Dating. Yes. Want to do it. I want to share my life with someone, to look into someone's eyes and know for sure, without a doubt that they are the one who completes and meets me at my human level. Someone who speaks and lives the truth, fearlessly serving her Savior. Pendulum swings from being grateful that I have not the distraction or "inconvenience" of a relationship, to panic that time slips by and I want to know now! O how I just want to know...So I play stupid games, talk through a dozen scenarios, and try to picture and myself with people. And on the worst of days resort to name matching...Hmm, my last name with her first? Kinda has a ring to it :) ...What happened to trust? Ridiculous life...
I am writing a story for/about my sister and it has forced me to consider myself in relation to her. Looking back is rarely easy and often painful and I see a dozen times I should have spoken, should have done something fix it all...and i wonder whether I did what was right, or if I did what was right because it was safer and I was too scared to do what was wrong. It's coming slowly-I feel that it's important, such things are never easy. A little at a time....
I miss Bernie (stuffed animal I've had since before I knew what my name was. He's holding down the fort in my dorm room over break).
I resolve to exercise myself into a state of exhaustion before noon tomorrow.
I love that I had steak today.
I just realized I don't have the faintest clue what I want.
What I want...
I want You...
...but too often replace you with what I don't have the faintest clue about.
Ridiculous life.
12.10.2004
Just back from seeing Manheim Steamroller in the Tacoma Dome. Pretty good-hope to one day see Tran-Siberian Orchestra. At times renaissance-style, others 80's rock, and occassionaly just a piano and violin...interesting indeed. I cannot believe my parents went. MY parents! Celtic mom and Steve Green dad. I'm not really convinced whether they liked it...
I started this post intending to describe how I feel right now...and have found that I can't. I'm missing people...but right now i have some things...that demand my attention.
Sometimes it takes a storm
To really know the light
The scent of rain
The weight of clouds
Pulling down the sky
Sometimes it takes a storm
To know how you feel
To understand indigo
And the varnished sun
Lighting up the fields
It takes the rain between the lines to know what sorrow finds
The way a cloud divides sometimes
The clearing and the blue
I love you
I was just passing through
And taken by surprise
Between the black sky
And the blue
Between the black sky and the blue
I love you
I love you
-Fernando Ortega
I started this post intending to describe how I feel right now...and have found that I can't. I'm missing people...but right now i have some things...that demand my attention.
Sometimes it takes a storm
To really know the light
The scent of rain
The weight of clouds
Pulling down the sky
Sometimes it takes a storm
To know how you feel
To understand indigo
And the varnished sun
Lighting up the fields
It takes the rain between the lines to know what sorrow finds
The way a cloud divides sometimes
The clearing and the blue
I love you
I was just passing through
And taken by surprise
Between the black sky
And the blue
Between the black sky and the blue
I love you
I love you
-Fernando Ortega
12.09.2004
Well congratulate me, I survived the drive. Now for the real challenge: survive three weeks at home. :) I learned tonight that it's highly unlikely I will secure my usual seasonal job during winter break so I'm not sure how I'll go about making money. I have to find a way because I am definitely broke and in very real danger of not being able to afford next quarter's books much less my car insurance. Maybe I should lose the car...Trevor has a car...Galen finally has a car...there's always the bus...Perhaps go with a bicycle-no that's impractical in the snow. Hmm...
So parents. Mine offer such amazing wisdom and direction that after talking to them it's almost impossible to convince myself that any issue remains clouded. They have so many insights-stuff they've been sitting on for who knows how long, stuff I should have seen for myself but manage to get thrown into such a confused frenzy that I miss everything of importance. Thank you, God, for parents. O the messes I would be in without them.
Tuesday night was my last English class and we finished off presentations of our final papers. I had originally intended to write my persuasive final proving the diety of Jesus. A challenge, I thought, but would be worth it for both the experience in apologetics and as a witness to my English class. Procrastination edged in and I soon found myself without the time to do the research my topic demanded so I settled for a paper on stem cell research. I definitely felt like I had let God down and had ruined a chance to share the gospel with my class. To my delight, a girl did a presentation interpreting Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, drawing parallels with Scriptural themes. In about twelve minutes, she presented the basics of mercy, justice, corruption, good, evil, the need for a savior, and the gospel. It was simply amazing. This girl is unpopular, nerdy, long-winded and the class usually sends forth a collective sigh whenever she begins to talk. They were not especially attentive during the presentation and gave no outward evidence that anyone had been touched by it-but that's not really the point. Who knows what God will do with her presentation, but look at what He already did! His purpose to share the gospel with my English class was never reliant on my cooperation-rather I was offered the joy and privilege to be the one He used. When I passed on the opportunity to be involved, He used Liza. His purpose continued on unhindered. Amazing. It was so cool to listen to her speak and realize what was happening-and at the same time crushing to remember that I was offered the same chance to be used.
>been home for 8 hours and have been encouraged, challenged, and refreshed. And just a tad bit bored. :) Winter break? Bring it on.
So parents. Mine offer such amazing wisdom and direction that after talking to them it's almost impossible to convince myself that any issue remains clouded. They have so many insights-stuff they've been sitting on for who knows how long, stuff I should have seen for myself but manage to get thrown into such a confused frenzy that I miss everything of importance. Thank you, God, for parents. O the messes I would be in without them.
Tuesday night was my last English class and we finished off presentations of our final papers. I had originally intended to write my persuasive final proving the diety of Jesus. A challenge, I thought, but would be worth it for both the experience in apologetics and as a witness to my English class. Procrastination edged in and I soon found myself without the time to do the research my topic demanded so I settled for a paper on stem cell research. I definitely felt like I had let God down and had ruined a chance to share the gospel with my class. To my delight, a girl did a presentation interpreting Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, drawing parallels with Scriptural themes. In about twelve minutes, she presented the basics of mercy, justice, corruption, good, evil, the need for a savior, and the gospel. It was simply amazing. This girl is unpopular, nerdy, long-winded and the class usually sends forth a collective sigh whenever she begins to talk. They were not especially attentive during the presentation and gave no outward evidence that anyone had been touched by it-but that's not really the point. Who knows what God will do with her presentation, but look at what He already did! His purpose to share the gospel with my English class was never reliant on my cooperation-rather I was offered the joy and privilege to be the one He used. When I passed on the opportunity to be involved, He used Liza. His purpose continued on unhindered. Amazing. It was so cool to listen to her speak and realize what was happening-and at the same time crushing to remember that I was offered the same chance to be used.
>been home for 8 hours and have been encouraged, challenged, and refreshed. And just a tad bit bored. :) Winter break? Bring it on.
12.07.2004
Aside to Crystal
Just a little note for Crystal-whose name I keep starting to spell "Christmas" which I hope she takes as a compliment-I was just thinking how proud I am of you and thankful that you're my friend. We may have changed a lot, but thank you for sticking with me and know that I always want to be here for you. Even in your stories of poetry readings at Tim Hortons and attending dances you challenge me to live a little and do crazy things. So thank you and I hope to see you soon. Yeah, I know I could have said that in an email or something but I find this more fun. :)
I am an obsessive (maybe compulsive but I'm not really sure what that means) idiot who loves sledding and owns no gloves. There have been some *ahem comments regarding my mediocre and infrequent posting of late and I wish to continue that trend today by splattering some mish mash onto the screen for all to see and enjoy.
First obsessing. Some of you may know where that one's going. For others, sorry you probably aren't going to find out. :) Let's just say that I find myself continually holding onto what I proclaim to let go of. Really it applies everywhere but probably most obviously in relationships. Colin appropriately chewed me out this weekend and challenged me to figure out what I want, what is right and go with it. Stop floundering in the middle and move to dry ground. This I find infinitely difficult and I have no idea where to begin. But...He'll work it out.
Loving to sled: o yes! Last nite we discovered a very sweet sledding hill behind the dorms. Steep, long, fast, and impressive complete with three jumps and an Recreational Vehicle parked at the bottom on the street. Trevor hit the RV. We laughed. There is nothing quite like the first bite of fear when standing at the top of a hill you've never sledded down. Especially when it empties into a street. But even better-the thrill of throwing your hands in the air, shooting down with nothing more then a garbage bag under your butt, bouncing toward the jump that sends you flying and struggling intensely for about two seconds to stop before sliding into traffic or against an RV. Also I have no gloves so my hands are frozen and I bruised my tailbone attempting to jump into a passing sled. Smart one I am not.
Tomorrow I cross the state again for home. Hooray for Christmas it's coming very, very quickly this year and I am happy. So unless the pass claims me I shall arrive home Wednesday afternoon. Wish me luck.
PS>Seahawks...Eastern Eagles...I have no words for you two. Disappointment doesn't even begin to say it.
First obsessing. Some of you may know where that one's going. For others, sorry you probably aren't going to find out. :) Let's just say that I find myself continually holding onto what I proclaim to let go of. Really it applies everywhere but probably most obviously in relationships. Colin appropriately chewed me out this weekend and challenged me to figure out what I want, what is right and go with it. Stop floundering in the middle and move to dry ground. This I find infinitely difficult and I have no idea where to begin. But...He'll work it out.
Loving to sled: o yes! Last nite we discovered a very sweet sledding hill behind the dorms. Steep, long, fast, and impressive complete with three jumps and an Recreational Vehicle parked at the bottom on the street. Trevor hit the RV. We laughed. There is nothing quite like the first bite of fear when standing at the top of a hill you've never sledded down. Especially when it empties into a street. But even better-the thrill of throwing your hands in the air, shooting down with nothing more then a garbage bag under your butt, bouncing toward the jump that sends you flying and struggling intensely for about two seconds to stop before sliding into traffic or against an RV. Also I have no gloves so my hands are frozen and I bruised my tailbone attempting to jump into a passing sled. Smart one I am not.
Tomorrow I cross the state again for home. Hooray for Christmas it's coming very, very quickly this year and I am happy. So unless the pass claims me I shall arrive home Wednesday afternoon. Wish me luck.
PS>Seahawks...Eastern Eagles...I have no words for you two. Disappointment doesn't even begin to say it.
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