What do I think...I think I wish that words came easier. I love to write, this-right now, this is a passion for me. Writing is like watching a piece of me take shape on paper, on a screen, or in the sand. I surprise myself, I learn about me, I want to share with everyone else. Still I get so frustrated when I look at a blank screen and have nothing to offer. Yet, I know that I have entire volumes of something stored up somewhere in me just waiting to be heard, read, and filed away. I want these pieces of me to be worth something. To move someone. To make a difference. Is that a cliche'? Is 19 too young to worry that his life's work will go unnoticed or without value? Is the question even relevant? I serve a God who is continually calling me to Himself, who empowers me for what He calls me to. Nothing I do while serving Him is inconsequential, nothing irrelevant, nothing without value. That's comforting-sort of. It is because I know the truth in it, it lacks in definition because my question originates in a world pressing for success, pressing for hope, looking in the wrong places for worth, self-worth.

The masses clamor and scream that they want their lives to matter, that they want to be happy, and they swear they won't be like their parents who worked for 65 years to die unhappy with social security check in hand. And so they throw themselves into a different 9-5 working harder to achieve more, and in doing so pass over all that has real value. Or do they? A new generation fingers Wal-Mart, McDonalds, and the government as the obstacles in the way of happiness. They scream the same phrases with different words, vowing to never sit behind a desk, and refuse to punch a timecard. They find new livings as bike messengers, thrill seekers, writers, soldiers, or surfing instructors. I have read some of their stories, they claim to have achieved the highest prize: living in happiness. Or have they? What happiness, what joy, what peace can compare with what He gives us? Peace that passes all understanding.

What is this contentment we claim apart from Jesus? A smile with a crooked edge of despair? Moving bodies to a heavy beat, flashing lights, but no life. Moving on, working through, talking and shouting without breath. "What is the purpose of life?"-we ask rhetorically with half of a smile-betraying the fear that if we know for sure our purpose, we will have no choice but to respond. That if we know we are loved on a real, intimate level by the God of the universe we will want to love Him back. Something in us screams that we don't want to give up our life and our plans. We won't serve Him, no sir. But we cannot shake this...awe...He loves me. He wants me to be His friend and child. And faced with such a monumental reality as God loving us personally with a very real purpose for each of us, we are left no choice but to choose. Not wanting to choose, we postpone it-which in itself declares a choice. Some will say yes, and respond to His love. And still we are faced with choices. Everyday, every new morning an opportunity to choose to allow Him to take the forefront. To leave behind our selfishness and every part of ourselves, choosing instead to let Him live through us.

I'm not really sure where all that (see above :) ) came from, it just sort of poured out. So I guess i did have something to write tonite. :) My computer has been down for the past few days, so most of the blogs I visit on a daily basis had been updated a few times. It was refreshing to read.

Goodnight, sweet world.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.