It's Finally Raining

A dimmer, yellower light. And a cleaner surface. Why am I never in the ideal? So I heard all again, heard it all again. Saw it too. But...strange...somewhere along the way I started to decide that I didn't like it anymore. Odd. To have everything within me scream to resist exactly that which it so desires. Odd. Though not really odd at all. It's been thoroughly, completely explained to me. Rationalized, theorized, taught, learned, considered -- case closed. But here it rages. A thought occurs to me. Would I change -- if it were all a lie, I mean. I don't think I would. I'm awfully safe, aren't I? Boringly, horribly safe. O, I have my adventures from time to time...but...they always rest with someone else. To my horror, I find myself looking through a brochure for the dread isle Security. Surprise! I'm in the business of surviving. Well now. That IS a disappointment. What influence! Smiling, nodding. "O yes! I would love that!" (and I would too) but something is wrong here. And it suddenly becomes imperative that I identify it. I am living through the independence of those dear people around me? Have I become dependent on their drug of freedom? Where would I find myself if shipwrecked? I know not.

Then it really hasn't changed at all. Desperately seeking the acceptance of new friends and the assurance of old ones, I become a hue of gray, blending invisible through the Fireworks, Overt Greens, and Revel Blues. How do I find my color? Will God show me if I ask Him? I think He would. But -- I am afraid. Afraid to speak to Him. Afraid He may not be real (a stupid thought). Afraid that I may decide I don't like Him anymore. Again. There are so many tomorrows. There are so many yesterdays. Only one today. Today I am afraid. My eyes moisten a little just at the thought. Sad. Is there any happy ending? O, I know about the one tomorrow, and the one next month. But today. Are there any happy ending today?