Valve

Why do I feel like crying?

The familiar pressure building within me - spreading from my toes and fingers - marching and gathering a crushing wave that charges to my core...my heart...I feel like exploding.

Where is the trigger? Stupid frat boys, exhaustion, conviction, confusion, stress. I can barely gather my thoughts to form a cohesive picture of my situation but I am so full of --- emotion and feeling. To the brim. I don't know how I could take any more. The urge to be alone - to find a way to deal with...with this. But even more I crave human contact with some kindred spirit. Breathing. In. Out. Trying to exhale the extra and reach a point of neutrality.

I feel like a failure. A quitter and an irresponsible. A disappointment. I know they won't say it. They wouldn't even think it - but somehow that doesn't help. I am in a shadow of my own making. Floundering in a sea poured from my own vessel. And the exit - a little painful, but temporary.

My compass is still consistent, still pointing true. Reaching into my pack, I rub my thumb over the lock and buff its glass face on the tail of my shirt. The moon is bright and I tilt the tool to the light. Deep breaths of frigid night air - it takes courage to choose to be strong. It is not the easy thing to retrace steps and re-evaluate my being.

Show me. My excuses fall flat and I am aware of their uselessness. Bring me...point me...to friends who will strengthen me. You know how very weak I am and how very much I need you. And I know too. Ah.

Crying would be a welcome relief - but I am not sure I remember how.