...and I really should be sleeping. I'm tired. I want to sleep, but it's still four minutes till midnight and I have been so lethargic this past week that it feels like a crime to go to bed when it is inevitable I won't wake up before 10. Somehow I find myself staring at my computer screen trying in desperation to grasp some of the blurry thoughts flashing through my mind. So far, I'm not very successful.

There's something oddly comforting about being poor. Sure it sucks, but now I can say with confidence that I absolutely CANNOT go to the Spongebob Squarepants movie because I have no money. I no longer must consider the money I lose and then fret about how little I have left-or how much. No, it's just a big, fat stroke of a red marker across my bottom line. I've always had that sort of idea with my car-if it gets stolen yes that sucks. But maybe he/she needed it a bit more then me. It happens...Think big...

Dating. Yes. Want to do it. I want to share my life with someone, to look into someone's eyes and know for sure, without a doubt that they are the one who completes and meets me at my human level. Someone who speaks and lives the truth, fearlessly serving her Savior. Pendulum swings from being grateful that I have not the distraction or "inconvenience" of a relationship, to panic that time slips by and I want to know now! O how I just want to know...So I play stupid games, talk through a dozen scenarios, and try to picture and myself with people. And on the worst of days resort to name matching...Hmm, my last name with her first? Kinda has a ring to it :) ...What happened to trust? Ridiculous life...

I am writing a story for/about my sister and it has forced me to consider myself in relation to her. Looking back is rarely easy and often painful and I see a dozen times I should have spoken, should have done something fix it all...and i wonder whether I did what was right, or if I did what was right because it was safer and I was too scared to do what was wrong. It's coming slowly-I feel that it's important, such things are never easy. A little at a time....

I miss Bernie (stuffed animal I've had since before I knew what my name was. He's holding down the fort in my dorm room over break).
I resolve to exercise myself into a state of exhaustion before noon tomorrow.
I love that I had steak today.
I just realized I don't have the faintest clue what I want.
What I want...
I want You...
...but too often replace you with what I don't have the faintest clue about.

Ridiculous life.